News and Current Events When We Get to Them
Phineas T. Quackenbush, Editor in Chief
Gossip by Dolores Fontana-Fontana
With news of the movie on everyone’s lips, it can be hard to tell what’s truth from fiction. Don’t worry, friends, Dolores has the inside scoop on the who’s who of this indie film that’s coming our way. Rumor has it that the principal actors have been cast, and who got their hands on the cast list? Why me, of course! Here we have our lustrous leading ladies and gorgeous gentlemen:
* As Jenny- SALLY CLAWSON
* As Vera- JOAN GRANT
* As Charlie- MICHAEL X. SOMMERS
* As Hank- RICHARD GROSS
* As Evelyn- ANNIE SCOTT ROGERS
* As Max- BEN EUPHRAT
* As Bray- CATHY FITHIAN
* As Eric- CHUCK PHELPS
Word on the street is that not all of these actors have roles that happen down here at the Salton Sea- their loss if you ask me- but such is the life of a travelling player! ‘Til next time, dear friends, keep your ears open!
Opinions by Frank ‘Spare Ribs’ McCoy
* Movies don’t look good as they used to since Audrey Hepburn retired.
* If Brawley can turn out baseball players, why can’t Calpatria do football?
* This indie feature Saltwater that’s coming to film here will be taking shots from all around the sea. If they film you in the background, demand royalties.
* If you want a to do a cleanse, drink only a mix of water, honey, and cayenne pepper for three weeks. Or drink a quart of Salton Sea water. Either’ll do ya good.
* If you want to do well in the next five years, learn Spanish. If you want to do well in the next fifty, learn Chinese.
* The air conditioner was the greatest invention of the 20^th century. The air purifier will be the greatest invention of the 21^st.
* If you get a role in one of these movies, don’t let it go to your head. The best actors just memorize the lines and say ‘em like they mean ‘em.
* Weather forecast from San Diego to Blythe- Hot, followed by cold (also available in reverse order, and for variable lengths of time).
Comments for the Editor? Write: P.T. Quackenbush, put message on carrier pigeon, and hope for the best!